Both falling in love and getting married are stressful in their own way. but you could say they represent the easy part. it is maintaining a marriage that can be difficult. raising kids, struggling with finances, working long hours, dealing with personal struggles—just learning to navigate life’s ups and downs together can take a toll on any relationship.
It’s no wonder that over 40% of marriages end in divorce. While it’s true that many marriages just weren’t meant to be this way (some couples break up or realize they’re incompatible, for example), many marriages end because couples don’t have the tools to handle their problems.
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what is marriage counseling?
Marriage counseling, or couples therapy, is a type of counseling that focuses specifically on marriages and relationships. Marriage counselors, usually licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs), are specifically trained to help couples diagnose their problems and work on solutions. marriage counseling is a safe place for couples to discuss things, to talk about what is really on their minds.
Communication is key when it comes to resolving marital problems and marriage counseling is one of the best ways to improve communication skills, come to a mutual understanding and figure out how to move forward as a couple, or end a marriage amicably, if that is the right choice for the couple.
who should seek marriage counseling?
There is often a stigma attached to marriage counseling. Many people think that only couples who are about to get divorced or separated seek marriage counseling. But the truth is that all marriages have their struggles. most couples could benefit from marriage counseling at one time or another.
Although it’s called “marriage counseling,” you don’t have to be married to seek marriage counseling. Any couple can seek counseling, regardless of their relationship status. marriage counseling is for straight couples, gay couples, couples of all races, and couples in less traditional relationships (long distance, open marriages, married but not living together). You can come to marriage counseling whether you are just starting out or have been married for 40 years. many couples even seek marriage counseling before getting married.
again, there really are no restrictions on why you might consider marriage counseling. Any problem that you don’t feel you can solve on your own, or that could benefit from a trained, objective, and unbiased perspective, can be helped with a few sessions of marriage counseling.
Still, there are some specific issues that often lead couples to seek counseling, including:
- couples who feel like they have the same fight over and over again and it’s hard to agree or find a solution.
- couples who disagree about parenting, financial, or lifestyle choices.
- couples who feel that household responsibilities are uneven and don’t know how to communicate effectively about it or find solutions.
- couples who feel they have lost sexual or romantic chemistry.
- couples who feel like their marriage is on autopilot.
- couples who do not feel heard or who feel that their partner is emotionally unavailable.
- couples who have experienced a recent tragedy or loss and are having trouble processing it together.
- couples dealing with substance abuse, infidelity, or mental health issues.
do marriage counselors recommend divorce?
Marriage counselors generally will not recommend divorce; they will keep their personal opinions to themselves. marriage counselors tend to believe that only the spouses involved can morally make that decision. in an abusive relationship, while most therapists still won’t recommend divorce, they will of course help the victim separate and find help.
what happens during marriage counseling?
Most marriage counselors encourage both spouses to be present at counseling sessions. This is the most effective way for marriage counseling to work because the counselor wants to see how you communicate and offer both of you tools to improve communication. however, if your partner is reluctant to come, or is unable to come for some reason, she can attend marriage counseling alone. There may still be benefits for you: you can learn about yourself and how you feel about your relationship.
Like most therapy sessions, marriage counseling won’t always be emotionally comfortable. Marriage counseling is a safe place for you to share some of the feelings that don’t always come to light and can be difficult for you and your partner. It is common for marriage counseling to include intense emotions, some crying, and probably some raised voices. that’s common and okay.
Your therapist wants to create a space where both you and your partner validate your feelings, where you can “let it out,” but also where you can come out with instructions on how to work on your communication and problem-solving tips moving forward.
Most marriage advice is short-term, as couples often come in with a specific problem they’re looking to resolve. marriage counseling also tends to be very practical. you can even exit the session with “homework” or specific tactics to try the next time your problem comes up.
how to start marriage counseling
For the most part, both you and your partner must be willing to begin marriage counseling for it to be effective. If your partner seems reluctant, many marriage counselors will agree to see each couple individually first. In this way, each person feels that they can tell their side of the story without criticism from their partner. You can also entice your partner to come by by telling them that you are just going to try one session together, without any further commitment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy is a great place to start looking for a marriage counselor. the aamft website maintains a list of licensed marriage and family therapists, and you can find one in your area.
How do I convince my husband to go to couples therapy?
suggest that couples therapy can be intimidating for your spouse, especially when you don’t know how they will react. The most important thing is to be honest and communicative with your partner, clearly explaining your reasons. don’t blame them, rather tell them that you love them and simply want to work on strengthening the relationship. Many people think that a marriage counselor is only used to fix a broken marriage, but you can explain that marriage counseling can also be used as a preventative measure. Marriage counseling offers valuable tools to help maintain your marriage for the long term.
Online couples therapy is a fantastic solution for couples who don’t have the lifestyle to commit to in-person therapy, find the costs associated with therapy prohibitive, or are reluctant to try more traditional therapy . Couples who travel frequently, work long hours, or have young children and few childcare options will find online marriage counseling beneficial.
Not only is online therapy just as effective as in-person therapy (for example, all of the marriage counselors on talkspace are licensed and experienced therapists), but online therapy can be wonderful for someone who is nervous about marriage. therapy in person or who has never been to therapy before. Online therapy takes place through text, audio, and video messages, and many people find it more comfortable to communicate in writing than in person. they may find it therapeutic to be allowed a little more time to respond to messages from their partner or therapist.
Whatever form of marriage counseling you’re looking for, you want to make sure the marriage counselor is someone you trust, is positive, open-minded, solution-oriented, and treats both of you with compassion. You should feel free to “shop around” until you find a marriage counselor who meets your expectations.
does marriage counseling work?
Statistics on marriage counseling are promising. According to research from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), 98% of couples who try marriage therapy report that their therapists are “excellent” or “good.” Of couples who try marriage counseling, 90% feel their emotional health improves, and two-thirds report improvements in their physical health.
and perhaps the most important statistic of all: as many as three-quarters of couples see improvements in their relationships after marriage counseling.
marriage, like anything else, requires work and maintenance. For many couples, marriage counseling is just the thing to help them overcome their struggles and persevere as a couple. Marriage counseling may not always be easy, especially at first, but your marriage is worth it.
